How To Reset And The Importance of Being You
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Audio Transcript:
Have you ever been digging a ditch or a hole or a trench or anything? And all of a sudden you hit a pipe, that you didn't know was there? Or maybe you're working on a small piece of electronics, and you. You clipped the wrong wire, or you knocked something loose that's been soldered or whatever else. Or, maybe you're working on a vehicle and you lose a bolt or a screw somewhere down in the engine or whatever else, and you realize, any of those three situations, drills, you now have a bigger job on your hands.
That's kind of what I feel like after the podcast last week of, catching a reset that really, struck a tone with many of you. And I've got some really great questions that I want to address today. So on today's, flourishing with Alex Brennaman, we're going to talk about, catching a reset and some of the questions you guys have, which are absolutely extraordinary.
So let's dive right in. But but I will make a comment. I typically, you know, don't don't read these things beforehand and have a lot of deep thought going into them as kind of part of the model. I think that's what you guys are looking for is more of a genuine off the cuff thing is, as opposed to some performative, thing, you can, you know, obviously if you want to do deep research, you can get that.
And I would also add, I'm, I'm not a, you know, impostor syndrome in full effect. Frank is loud in my ear about who were you to tell these people anything about this? But there's some really genuinely, awesome questions that I think are real and important. And I want to address those. So. But just know I'm not a professional in the sense I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a, a productivity, expert in any way. I'm just I'm living my life, and and these are the experiences I have. So I'm just sharing you my perspective and and like all things on this podcast, I would ask you, to take this and apply this in your own way. You know, your mileage may vary, but let's start.
One question says, Hey, Alex, I'm a small business owner and your point about catching up being a myth really hit home. I feel like I'm constantly drowning in my to do list. How do you know when you're just busy versus when you're actually being productive? Yeah, this. That's a good one. I there's a quote that comes to mind, and I typically get this quote wrong, but I hopefully the gist comes across and is from James Clear in his book Atomic Habits, which are a great read if you haven't read that.
It's fantastic really. There's a few books on habits, and that's certainly one of them. It's in the top, top list, for me, but it's sort of like you don't rise to the level of your goals. Like it's all about goal setting, goal setting, goal setting. And look, I'm not going to Pooh Pooh that. And some of you are fantastic goal setters.
But you know, the notion there is. But but then the second part of that is you actually fall to the level of your systems. And so when we talk about whether we're being productive or just busy, I would ask, you know, as each of us and certainly depending on where you are in your career or your trajectory, have you been upgrading your systems with you?
And I don't just mean your technology systems or whatever. Certainly part of that, but also like I'm constantly looking like, okay, how am I managing my day? How am I communicating with people? How am I taking care of myself? All these things. And there's I spend a lot of time on my systems. The world is full of systems.
I'm the system. I've got multiple systems inside of me, and everything I'm engaged with is a system. And so I try to think, okay, am I upgrading myself? Was my habits. My, methodologies, my protocols to fit my new challenges. And I often find if I haven't been upgrading my systems, I'm doing a lot of busywork that probably isn't super productive.
But if I'm if I'm trying and then you'll never get it right. Exactly. But if I'm trying to upgrade my systems, I tend to be more where the work I'm doing is productive as opposed to just busywork. So hopefully that that helps. I mean, honestly, man, I don't know if you'll ever know for sure, but I think one of the the other key thing with the system upgrades, I think I would add, is the whole alignment piece is making sure you're aligned on what it is you should be doing, like where where your flourish, you know, on your flourish matrix, where you're sitting, where you're flourishing, what's what's things you're working on today because you
need to, versus where are you going next and what's what's uniquely valuable for you to be doing. It's a it's a bit of a mind screw, but but and you can't think about that every minute of every day. But but over time, maybe it's a, a periodic review on a weekly or a quarterly basis. Monthly, dailies probably tough.
But you, you can certainly get there. But just to make sure you're aligned with, the things you're doing are aligned with with where you need to be and what you need to be doing. So hope that helps, man. Some of as soon as you got all kind of stuff on your head, managing all kinds of things, doing all kinds of things and it's challenge.
So, I, I empathize with you and, hopefully you find your path there. Next question. Love the concept of catching a reset. It sounds great in theory, but on a random Tuesday when everything is on fire, how do you actually do that? What does a micro reset look like in a real world? Messy situation? Haha, yeah, on an average Tuesday random Tuesday when everything is on fire.
So, here's I say, you know, it ebbs and flows and I know this is something I know lots of some answering these questions. It's not super satisfying, but there's no way I found to avoid the ebb and flow of this, you will have those moments, the screaming mini moments where you just, you know, completely out of you're out of sorts and you're trying to catch up.
There's just too much going on. So for me, there's a couple things. But in in the moment, let's talk about in that moment, you got to recognize there will be moments. So just expecting that there will be times that you're going to be underwater feeling like you're in quicksand. You know, you just can't get out. And that's where you have some, you know, there's moments of self scans, there's there's breath, there's refocus.
There's there's scheduling reviews deliberately on your calendar. I have found one of the most powerful things. And I get this from, from getting things done years ago from Dr. David Allen's work there in terms of weekly reviews. And, you know, you can look at what's, what's what happened the week previous. What do you think you should be doing this coming week.
And it just just gives you a pause when I'm doing those consistently. The world is a different place, guys. When I'm not doing those consistently, I am being led around by by nose ringing. You know, it's it's it's tough. So, I would say, you know, and look, if you can come in twice a week, that'd be great.
Maybe even daily. I mean, you know, a lot of us can have a daily discipline. I candidly struggle with that at even minute. But but a daily you'd be fantastic. And and when I've done those, it's really good. But I've also found for me that weekly and maybe more so twice weekly is is really the right, the right recipe for me.
So, so play around with it. But again the fires are going to happen and you're going to find yourself in the middle of a of a random Tuesday when everything is on fire. That's just, it's like so I guess for me it's it's those pauses. It's those, those moments in between that you can help kind of get yourself set up, and then you'll gain strength over time and, you know, I think one of the dangers would be overanalyzing it.
Like the reality is we're going to be in those moments. And that's okay. So I think expecting we're going to get there, is is all right. Just the fact that you got there doesn't mean you failed. It means you're doing stuff. You got lot stuff going on, and there's always going to be this, there's thinking like in, in the natural world of shedding, you know, molting of skin kind of thing.
And there's, there's moments like that. And so I think that's, that's important for that. So hopefully, hopefully that's helpful there. Let's see. How do you, how do you apply the catch a reset idea to your family? I can imagine it's tough to get everyone on the same page, especially when you're trying to reset expectations or commitments at home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this happens all the time. I mean, I'm constantly especially as kids are growing and changing and their needs change. And for me as a dad, what my role needs to change and even even my wife is she's changed in through the last 20 years of our marriage and what she needs for me. So I think, I think this is much easier with kids than with the spouse.
It's a little. Not so much. But but with kids, they're just they're grow so fast, and, you know, they are their perception of the world changes as they grow. And, sure, narratives will stick and things will stay. But like, you know, I look at just just me just, you know, and we've been talking in this podcast, you know, I had I had a scare earlier in the spring this year and I've since really put in some some different disciplines of how I treat my body and how I'm taking care of my health.
And even just in that short time, I think the kids are seeing me as more of that. Not not the healthy dad. I'm not a pillar of health. I don't say that. But they see that more than they saw before. And it's it's only been a few months. Not that long. My wife still probably sees me as I was six, eight months ago or whatever, but but like it and I she doesn't.
I'm just kidding there. But but like, it's it's it's easier with kids so they, they can see. So I wouldn't get too caught up. You see things because of, of our age and the relative ness of time. I think it's harder for us to, to allow those those things to change as we, as we let things loosen and renegotiate things.
But kids, man, it's it's just like, watching a movie on high speed. They're, they're it's it's a new scene and they've, they've already moved on. So I at least generally, you know, generally, you know, but I'll tell you for, for me, sometimes I will speak it out loud, like if I am again, the story about how do you reset those expectations.
Sometimes I just, I, I just put it out, out, out there. I say it out loud that I'm making a change. This is what I'm doing. I've caught myself. I'm under water here or this or whatever. And and that that can be helpful just to kind of put it out there. So it's clear. But here's a really important component, what I think when folks do this and I've done this, when you do that, you're like, okay, now you expect others to notice or you expect others to do things and you know, they may not.
In fact, sometimes you speak it out loud. It's almost like your spouse or your kids or whoever. You will test you even more to to drive. Are you serious? Yeah, I don't know. I'm not saying they do it on purpose, but it feels like that, right? So when you declare it like that, just be prepared that, you may, you know, you may get even more headwind, and that's okay.
That's that's part of the deal. On the flip side, if you just silently make those changes and that's okay too. And I've done that. I do both of these just depending on the situation. I it's really clear don't go in expecting people to to notice the difference after one time or ten times or 100 times just you're, you're making that change for you to be a better father, mother, guardian, whatever it is, you are in your role, your family.
For me, I have to make that change because that's what's going to help me be the best for them. And not, oh, I can't wait until they respond. So positively to my change. I mean, that's that's where I think we go wrong oftentimes, because that's, that's not always a guarantee. The last thing I'd say on this probably is I, you know, I think it's a, I sense it's important for your kids and maybe your spouse to, to see you struggle with these things.
And I'm not saying you want to come in, you know, crying in your hands all the time, but just then just, you know, it's hard sometimes, especially as kids are growing up and and looking at all you might be doing. And I assume you're listening this podcast, you're a high performer, you're doing great things in your world and it's that's a lot of stress on the people around you.
Certainly kids, as they're trying to find their, their path. And for them to see that you you're not bulletproof, that you've got your challenges that you don't know, you don't have it all figured out. And I know that's completely anti parenting in most cases. You know, parents want to feel like they've got it all figured out in their kids can be safe.
And all this stuff you know there's safety and knowing that you don't have be perfect. And so I, I you know I think there's value in that. Not performative, you know, want to make a thing out of it. And you know that that can go the exact opposite way that you want. If you're too performative as a parent.
And there's always this drama. I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying, you know, putting your kids up to a little bit of reality that that, you know, you're mortal and there's there's challenges. And I, I jokingly say in the spouse to, again, some of y'all, depending on who you married, you may have married a spouse that is less, is less driven than you or less, focused on, on self, improvement and those kind of things.
And it can be daunting to them and they can feel diminished by you. And so sometimes sharing those weaknesses can go one of two ways and go way where they feel less secure because you're sharing your, your inadequacies. But they can also maybe feel a little less intimidated by you. I don't know, you know, your mileage may vary.
You have to check your your own relationships. But, I think that's, I think I think those, those are important things. You were honest about putting too much on yourself as a parent, I feel that. How do you practice self-compassion and give yourself a break when you feel like you're not living up to the expectations you set for yourself?
Yeah, we get it, don't we? You know, dads, moms. We've got to be. We got to be perfect. We got to be great. We got to be the best. You know, there's a lot of pressure in parenting, and we put it on ourselves. Society puts it on us. There's real pressure. And that's a responsibility. People who roll into parenthood flippantly are, maybe having a rude awakening coming.
It's a serious endeavor and a serious undertaking. I say all the time, you know, it's the it's the most difficult, most rewarding thing, role in my life. And, you know, I'm I'm running a company that's it's in technology and supply chain in a fast moving world, and it's hard and all these things. And, and I've been to war and all that.
And still parenting is, is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I've, I've ever been involved in. So I just start out right off the bat. And you said it. The question is self-compassion. Grace, give yourself some grace, man. Give yourself the grace. This is where I try to look at myself in different personas, and I try to be like, hey, take it easy on Alex, man.
You know, and I'm not saying become a sad sack, but just some grace, man. If you can't give yourself grace, it's hard to give others grace. And of course, I think you want to be probably a person that that gives, others grace. So. So start with yourself and and that perspective. Peace. You know, understanding that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
And, you know, you will put too much on yourself. Sometimes you will break, you will crack, you will whatever. But that that level of perspective that there is a longer play here and it's about consistency over time and trends over time. And, you know, none of us are perfect. So if you can't give yourself the grace here for me, you know, it's okay.
It's okay. We all we all have these moments. So, you know, again, your mileage may vary. Maybe you got to be the macho and and whatever else I don't know, or the perfect mom or what have you got to be, but that's just not realistic. It's hard and it's impossible. Really. All right, so I would I would add this other piece, and this is where it comes back to what I talked about the podcast about, your choice.
You chose to be a parent, even, again, even if you you accidental situation whatever. But you you you chose the deeds, you chose the actions that led you there. And so this choice created someone who needs you. And, nobody, nobody, nobody in this world can be you. And you can't be anybody else better than you. And those folks need you now.
Again, I know there's the family separate and split and all these kind of things, and there's there's, Parental changes and all that kind of stuff. And those people will play their role, but, but whatever role you're playing, you're the only one that can play that. And nobody can play better and you can't play anybody else better.
So the reality is just keep being you, man, and and work on you and do your thing. And I'm sorry. I'm preaching. I'm sorry. But, you know, it's we so get wrapped up in in, somebody else's so-and-so is much better. Especially this, you know, the social media stuff that's just killing our, our our self-confidence and and all these things because the the expectations are asinine and and unreal, and performative and all that.
You you are the only one that can be you and you can't be anybody else better. And that once I kind of got that, I'm still I still have these moments, don't get me wrong. But I recognize my my son and my daughter need me to be me. They don't need me to be somebody else. They need me to be me.
And you know, no one else can be their dad better than I can. I'm the oh, I'm their dad. And so, that's important to me. And I take that on. And once I ground it with that, that I made this choice, this role, I chose this. And now they they depend on me. Yeah, it adds weight, of course, but it also allows me to take a step back and realize I am, I am, and and I'm going to keep working at it.
But but I can't try to be somebody different. And it just it's helped. It's up. So hopefully that grounds you. I don't know. All right. So last question I've got here. Oh actually I'm sorry, I got two more. This one is for those of us who are a bit older and feel like we're stuck in our ways, maybe even with regrets.
How do we reclaim that sense of control? What's the first step to finding that agency when it feels like it's been gone for a long time? Yeah, man. That's that's legit. That's real. You know, we all we all have some water behind us. Some paths behind the roads behind us. Whatever analogy you want to use, we can look back and think, oh, only f for this or whatever.
And we feel like maybe we're getting pushed. Maybe you're in the stream and the stream is pushing you down the stream further. I don't I don't have great answers here. Candidly, I mean, I think you can get a little metaphorical for a minute, or metaphysical, if you will. Whatever you want. The there is no such thing as the past, and there is no such thing as the as the future, right?
There's only the present to get the now all that. Right. And that's real. That's real. As much as that sounds all, all fuzzy, it's real. You can't do anything about the past, and the present isn't here. The future isn't here yet. There's only the present is this moment. And so it goes back to a phrase that we use a lot at the company.
You know what's important now? When you know, we even have we have meanings called wins. That's what's important now. And that is the most productive thing to focus on. Is what's important now. Okay. This is all been done. What now? What's next? What do I need to do now? And for me, that's really been helpful. Again, I, I don't know your situation and it's so hard to let some of the stuff go.
I know, and we make choices. And those choices in the past affect our now. So I'm not being flip it about that. I get that. But rumination is real. We all do it, I think. I mean, I do it, you do it probably. But it's not healthy. I mean, it's healthy to a certain blow. We're kind of reviewing what we've done and maybe what we could do better.
And then after that, at a certain point, it becomes super unhealthy. And so, I can find ways to, to not ruminate on this stuff and drag it along and I'll, I'll, you know, kind of finish this one up where I kind of started the last question, which is it's there's grace, man. Nobody's perfect. We all make decisions, we all grow.
We learn from those decisions. And, you know, some self-compassion. You you are doing the best you can. And, you know, maybe sometimes you didn't do the best you could and that's wound you up in a situation you're unhappy with now. Or maybe, maybe you you followed advice that that led you down a path where you don't want to be now or or, hey, things just stuff happens and stuff happened.
And the outcomes are not necessarily you want to be and you feel stuck there and and you want to get that self control. For me, it's a moment of what's important now. And that is separate. It's influenced by the past, but that you aren't your past may explain some things, but it doesn't contain you. So past explains it doesn't contains.
And so I think for for you, for folks who, you know, for those of us that have had have a little more gray in our beards or in our hair or whatever else, yeah, it's, it's about grace and it's about what's important now, and, I find that good. So again, if you're having trouble, give yourself grace.
You know, I, I do try to look at gratitude. Gratitude power for others. And, and, that sometimes helps me turn it on myself. It's not easy, but it's real. So. Yeah, I appreciate that question more than, you know. Okay. So last one, last question. You mentioned that showing up for your community builds trust in yourself. Can you talk a little more about how taking control of your own life has helped you build confidence, even when things don't go according to plan?
Hey. Yeah, yeah, see what I mean? These these are really good questions. You know, if you're experienced, you and you have a bit of track record that helps confidence, obviously. Right. Big red truck. But but here's what it says. As you, as you take these moments and you, you look to find ways to, to reset as opposed to just continually catch up, you'll find that letting some things go, it's not the end of the world.
And I'm not trying to say be irresponsible about these things again, negotiate your commitments. If you if they're out there and they need to be negotiated some you can just, you know, let go is bankruptcy kind of thing. Not banks and financial. I mean, hey, maybe that's your situation too, but even from an email perspective, sometimes you just gotta go bankrupt, that inbox, man, and and let things come back to you when they come back to you, if they do at all.
And you'll find I'm not. Again, I'm not saying be responsive is a super fine line to walk, but but there is this notion of you. You'll gain confidence, realize it'll be okay. It'll be okay. Some of these things can be renegotiated. Some of these things can be just left. Let go and it'll be okay. And so I think some of it is a little bit of faith, to do it and, and then learn from you.
You learn from your experiences, build on the experiences that happen that, that you can so you small things whether it's maybe some, some emails, maybe it's a, task list or it's something, find ways to to find small wins where you can look back to and build that confidence over time. And that's really important. I mean, so to, to those of us that are younger and maybe, not not having had some of those experiences, again, this is a this is a great way.
Just take small wins and use them and listen to others who have some of that experience to see that you know it. The sun will come up tomorrow and you'll be able to continue, even though, you you weren't able to do everything you wanted to do yesterday or last week or last year or last decades of your life.
You've got a next. You got an next path here. And if you continue to drag all that stuff with you, it's going to make you less effective to do what's important now. And I think that's, you know, that's just really important. I, I, I also the kind of I'll end on this, I use experiences in my life.
And so those of you are less experienced, it's I get that it's harder. So that's why it's great to read biographies and different things like that. Not to set unrealistic expectations, but to show how, how just humans can persevere and, and see examples that allow you to to know it'll be okay. It'll be okay. And, and I am fortunate.
Unfortunate. I mean, you can look at it different ways to have had, combat experience in, in a war zone and, and I don't say that tough guy stuff. It just it is. And so I use that a lot. I mean, they'll be moments when it's really hard at work or in the community or in life, whatever. And I can look at that experience that I had in war and be like, hey, nobody's shooting.
It may not be stoned launching rockets at me. And I was trying to kill me. I'm not in a foreign land. I'm not. You know, there's all these things, and all of a sudden it kind of puts things in perspective to where things are. So maybe you've had a health scare in the past or or whatever or whatever you can leverage in your life or in somebody else's.
Again, biographies are great. That can use as a juxtaposition for your current situation. I'm not saying belittle the challenges you're in. It doesn't make them not a challenge. It just helps put them in perspective. That allows you to gain that confidence that that you've got this, you've got this. There are there are harder things in the world than what you're doing right now.
Almost every time there are harder things in the world. And, and you got this and then build some confidence from there and, and go so that these were great questions. You guys are so dialed in and I feel it. I feel the, the challenge in them and just know I'm. Hey, I'm here, I'm here, you know, rowing along with you in in my challenges that are similar.
So I hope this has been helpful to you. I know I've gone kind of long here, but hopefully it's a value. These are these were really good and I couldn't let them slip by. I am, you know, a if you, if you did find value here or you think others can, I would really appreciate a share.
Like I've said, this is not a, a, a profit endeavor for me at all. This is this is all about, just just offering, you know, flourishing. It's about it's. And part of flourishing is, is sharing and connecting. And so if I my my payment that I ask of you is to share this with just one person, if you wanna share it with 313, great.
But but share it with somebody who you think might benefit from this. And, let's keep growing our community and keep flourishing together. Yeah. So and I'll end on this, wherever you may be. I hope it is you right now or maybe you're catching a reset. Maybe you're looking and finding out what's important now. But whatever you're doing, I hope it is that you are flourishing.
Alex Reneman is the founder of Mountain Leverage and Unleash Tygart and host of Flourishing w/ Alex Reneman. For 20+ years he has worked as CEO of Mountain Leverage, honing the concept of flourishing and experimenting with it in the business. In July of 2024, he decided to begin to share this idea with others, which led to his podcast, social content, and the plans for other initiatives in the future.
